So, the scripture reading for Friday, which I was unable to do until today was psalm 86:15. It’s a fantastic and comforting verse, but I realized there was one part in particular that is extremely crucial to my struggle.
The words “abounding in love and faithfulness” jump out to me. I’ve shared before that I have a complex that if someone else, particularly someone close to me, is being blessed in a certain area, that I won’t be, at least not anytime soon. Now, maybe that came from the years I waited for Lexi and losing a child in tandem with a sister in law giving birth to a healthy one on my due date, but the fact that that same SIL and I both had healthy babies a month apart in 2012 should have fixed that, right? I guess the lie has been too deeply ingrained in my thick skull. Then January happened, a seemingly self-fulfilling prophecy. And now, again I find myself devastated by someone I love’s blessing. This is the worst by far, and while this is in large part due to things that have been said over the years and comparisons and jealousies, and hurts, I have GOT to find a way to not be destroyed. I have to find a way to believe that God is *abounding* in love and faithfulness, which means there is more than enough to go around. I know in my head this is true, but I need Him to write it on my heart. I need Him to give me joy and hope and excitement for what lies ahead, because right now I am very low on all of those. The fear and pain right now are so great that I’m having trouble seeing anything else. I need Him. I need Him. I need Him.