Poor in spirit, indeed

So, last week, our church started a sermon series on the Beatitudes(Matthew 5:3-12) with a teaching on v3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven”. The pastor talked a lot about being “at the end of your rope. Yes, I could relate to that. The past 7 months have been a lot of that. He also talked about crying out for help. So Scott and I really took that to heart, and even more often than usual began praying together, crying out that we are poor in spirit and need His help. Then Monday, I started a new bible study called “you are loved”, which is speaking exactly to my heart through God’s word and the authors of the bible study. I have been praying hard the past few weeks for healing in a certain relationship also, and was feeling burdened by it. I think my quiet times Monday through Thursday were some of the most powerful and uplifting I’d ever had. Then, Thursday afternoon, the person I’d been burdened about reconciling with contacted me to make up! I was ecstatic! I felt so blessed by God with this healing, I felt a tremendous weight lifted. Then, not long after, this person called me with some news. News that on it’s face is good news, and something I should be excited about, but in fact devastated me. And God was with me, because during the whole conversation I was able to be cheerful and listen, but the second I hung up, I began to discinigrate. What I am going through personally is not the fault of this person, and because this is someone I love, I’m going to fight not to punish them for my own pain. But I honestly do not know how to cope, let alone be what they want/need me to he. I was broken down to begin with, and this has taken me to rock bottom. I have asked many close to me to pray, and I’m continuing to study God’s word and pray, and cry out to Him. I’m truly at the end of my rope though, and finding it very hard to find hope that this dark time is ending anytime soon. I know God’s ways are not our ways, and I am fighting to believe His timing and His plan are best, but I’m having trouble seeing love in this situation, where I am fighting to trust Him to fulfill my heart’s desire, to find joy in each day, to not give up hope, to keep trying in the face of disappointment, and now, when I had barely started to get my feet under me again, I feel knocked down harder than ever by the blessing that I’m crying out for being given to someone in such close proximity to me that it feels like rubbing it in my face. What is He trying to tell me? I am so shattered and hurt and broken, I barely know how to go on. I’m turning back to Him and his word and begging him for comfort. Please please pray for me. Please pray that I will find strength and comfort and renewed faith in the waiting time, and that the waiting time would be almost over. Oh, please let it be almost over. 

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