So, here we are, in the “baby dance” phase of our second clomid cycle. I want to be optimistic and hopeful and expect good things, but I have to be honest, after last month, after 3 weeks of really being sure I was pregnant, I’m finding it hard to do either. I’ve decided to do my best to focus on what’s in front of me, Lexi, my workouts, Scott, youth stuff, over the next 2.5-3 weeks, and I’m praying for the strength to trust.
Here’s the thing: I fully believe God has perfect timing, and I do trust that His plan is best. My struggle comes with the limbo of active waiting. If it’s gonna be years or even many months before we are solidly pregnant with our next healthy baby, I don’t want to be actively “trying” and hoping that whole time. It’s so incredibly painful and lonely and heartbreaking and I flat out don’t wanna do it anymore. I went through it for 10 months, lost a baby, and went through it for another 60 months before concieving Lexi, then started all over last September. Took 4 months, then 2 months in, another loss, and 2 months after that we started trying again, with the same dose of the same drug that gave us Lexi, i was pretty sure for weeks that I was pregnant, then came the heartbreak of finding out I was wrong.
That’s 74 times I hoped and was disappointed and twice I lost a baby I’d cried out to God for. That’s also 78 times I’ve picked up the pieces and opened up to trying again. People tell me “just stop trying, trust God, and it’ll happen when it should.” Like it’s that easy after all this. There is definitely truth in that advice, and I am fighting myself daily to trust, but here’s something that frustrates me: if someone wanted a career, a promotion, to go to a certain school, or to achieve any life goal, you wouldn’t tell them not to pursue it with all they have in them. And in all those things, hard work and determination make all the difference. But in my situation, passionately pursuing my dream of having many children is seen as desperate and overly emotional and something I should just sit back and wait for.
I’ve considered stopping putting myself through all this and just waiting till we have a house and can adopt, but there are two main issues with that.
1. That’s not in line with what Scott and I both believe God has put on our hearts. We may adopt one day, but we believe God wants us to have another biological child, and that He is going to bless us for persevering.
2. If we leave it to adoption only, I’ll never get the chance to nurse again. That might sound silly, but let me explain. My entire life up to December of 2011 I felt like a failure at anything I’d ever attempted. Then I watched amazed as God used my body to create and grow a new life, and then when Lexi was born, that same body grew and nourished a perfectly healthy child for a full year exclusive of any other food. (She had a few bites here and there, but milk was her nutrition.). I was able to continue nursing her another 7 months, and might still be going if we hadn’t lost September baby. Nursing Lexi was a defining gift for me and my heart breaks anytime I consider that I might not get to do it again.
God knows my heart though, and my situation, and I have to trust that He has something beautiful on the horizon. I’m really trying to, one day at a time.
I need right now. You guys. I need prayers. I need hugs. I need to vent, a lot, but I’m too afraid of being seen as too needy to reach out to anyone directly. My heart is such a mess. I need.