So my period came yesterday. Disappointment isn’t even the right word. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted, frustrated, confused, and don’t want to ride this roller coaster anymore.
I’m struggling with my faith more this year then I ever have before, and I have to ask myself why. I mean, I know the events that have led to this fearful place, but why have I become so afraid and so unable to trust? I keep coming back to the concept of where my house is built. If God is a solid rock, and my trust is in Him, then I’m safe. But I don’t feel safe. I feel like every time I get my feet under me I’m knocked over by another wave. Is my house built on the rock but I’m not there? Am I standing on the beach instead? I believe that He loves me and has my best in mind, but I am having so much trouble following on a path I can’t see far ahead on. I feel like if I’m not going to have another baby anytime soon, if clomid is not going to work, then I don’t want to be doing this. I don’t want to be wasting my time and emotions trying. If now isn’t the time, then I don’t want to be trying now, just suffering month after month of heartbreak. Not to mention the fact that we only get so many shots with clomid. But, you know what, God knows all this. He does. And He is calling me to chill out and trust Him.
Scott has started saying to me “don’t try to run the whole race today.” And he’s right. I just need to live each day doing what’s given to me that day and not be overwhelmed by all that lies ahead. So hard for me, when my struggle with fear is so deep. But I need to practice now finding peace and trusting Him, because like I said yesterday, I do not want to live in fear and miss out on the magic of being pregnant. I’m a tiny bit relieved, because a little more time to wrestle through and ask God to change me might have a huge payoff. So, you might be seeing me wrestle with this as well as my physical journey over the next weeks. I’m hungry for heart change in this area, and if you’re reading this, I have three prayer requests:
1. That I would truly be able to rest and trust in God’s plan, and know and believe that He has something better coming than anything I see passing me by.
2. That I would find joy and peace in this journey, that they would replace fear and sadness. That the remainder of our journey to concieving and growing baby two would be healthy, happy, and low on fear and sad tears.
3. That the clomid and the timing of our baby dance this month would result in a healthy, strong baby who will grow and grow, be born fully cooked, and grow up to love Jesus.