Folks, I feel so overwhelmed. I haven’t tested yet to confirm that I’m pregnant-we were planning on waiting 2 more days, but may test tomorrow-but I’m more sure than I’ve ever been. And possibly more afraid. I’ve said that I don’t need to know why we lost September baby, and I don’t, but I’m really struggling to find hope that this pregnancy will turn out differently. I guess it’s because I don’t feel like I have anything concrete to pin my hope on. And then I’m reminded of a hymn:
“My hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus’ blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand”
There’s my answer, I guess. And how appropriate that it ties into the lesson we discussed at youth group this past week. We talked about storms and the parable of the wise man building his house on the rock. The question was posed “why do storms scare us?” And one student responded with an answer that said it all: “because we aren’t in control of the situation.”
Boy does that ring true for me, especially in the area of pregnancy. In every other area of my life it’s been exponentially easier to trust God to take care of me than in this one. I don’t worry much about money or my own health, I care a lot about relationships, but nothing rivals the way I feel/worry about having babies. Part of this is related to a complex I have about my ability to have children being a measure of my value, and I’m working on resetting that, but right now the bigger part is this: I have spent my entire life wanting to be a mother, and nothing else, and yet having babies has been the biggest challenge I’ve ever faced. Getting pregnant is the first hurdle, and that is rough in itself, but then staying pregnant may be a challenge too? It just feels so scary to fight for hope and faith just to have my heart broken. It feels terribly risky, and I’m terribly risk averse.
I know that my attitude should be just to submit to whatever He has for my life, and find peace that it’s the best for me. That’s the faith that I know is best. I struggle though, to find the balance between that and the passionate person God has made me to be.
I do not want to spend the next 7.5 months (or however long if I’m not pregnant now) in fear. I don’t want to spend the next 3 weeks before I see this baby’s heartbeat in fear. I want with all my heart to enjoy pregnancy, to celebrate all the “oh wow” moments instead of creating “oh no” moments. I don’t want to look back and say, “I did it again, I was silly, worried over nothing, and missed it.”
You know my heart. You know my deep deep desire for more children. You know my heartache and my brokenness. I am crying out to you for strength, for the ability to trust you, to hope and to enjoy. I’m asking you now that I would be pregnant right now with a strong healthy baby. Im asking that that baby will be born fully cooked and fully formed. I’m asking you to please relieve me of fear, that I can enjoy the Gift and the beauty and magic of the child growing inside me. Please fill me with peace and joy such that there is no room for fear. Please make this time so different from the others. I need you. I cannot handle this on my own, my heart is too weak. I need you, I need you, I need you.