I want to write more about the fertility journey and -God willing- pregnancy experience this time, so I’m going to start now. Hopefully I’ll get to record the mental/emotional experience, and maybe process things that don’t make sense in my head or seem overwhelming by “talking” them out, and record and remember more of the amazing physical journey of change that my body will get to experience. This started out as a weight loss/fitness blog, but has become far more to me, and I’m hoping it can somehow find a way to encourage and inspire others even as I document the everyday.
In thirteen days I go see Dr Reutinger and lay out the plan for conceiving Baby Two. I’m fairly familiar with the process, as it’s not complicated, and I’ve been through it before. I’ll share more about that after the appointment. I feel a bit nervous about this appointment not because anything could really go wrong, but because it’s the start of trying again, in a more “official” way than just tossing out the condoms and seeing what happens like we did in late summer/early fall. This is a much more active step, and as such, the stakes feel a bit higher mentally/emotionally. Also, and I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, there is such a vulnerability in TTC for me, an opening the door to the very real chance of heartbreak like we just experienced in January, and that aspect I don’t have words for. There is no answer to it, other than to know that the reward far outweighs the risk, as evidenced by the beautiful soul sleeping in the next room right now, and to believe that God has put this desire to grow another child in my womb deep in my heart, and that he will make that happen.
I’ve struggled more with my faith in the past two months than at any point in my life. I’ve felt hurt and confused and even angry that my tears and prayers could be answered with such a great blessing as a totally natural pregnancy, only to have my heart shattered. I couldn’t see a loving God in those circumstances. I did (and do) see Him though, in the church family who has hugged me, fed me, gone out to lunch with me when I couldn’t face going home, told me it’s okay to grieve, affirmed that my loss is real and not brushed it off,the women telling me I’m not alone, and that they look forward to celebrating Baby Two also, all these things I never had with our first loss. I see Him in the husband who holds me close and grieves alongside me, who hopes and has such great optimism about our future children, in the small girl who LOVES babies, and will make a fantastic big sister, but for now is my one and only. I see Him in the peace that comforts me and hunger I feel to have more of Him because it soothes my broken heart. I see Him in the strength I’m finding to open this door again, to take the risk and be brave.
I’m learning every day to balance preparation and having systems in place with letting God work and losing my need to control. A fitness plan for pregnancy is a good thing, for example, and that’s a system that will benefit me, but this time around, I hope I won’t let the fear in. I hope I can daily trust what I can’t see to the One who can. I don’t do regret really, but the only thing I’d like to have been different in my pregnancy with Lexi was the way I let fear win. Part of it was chemical, and I accept that, but I’m really hoping this time to be stronger in my ability to trust. Laying in bed, hand on belly all day won’t be an option, which is probably a good thing, (Thank God for Lexi!) but I’m praying now that the spirit of fear that led to that behavior just won’t even get a chance to invade this time. Please join me now in praying that.
If you’re reading this, thank you. Thank you for being invested enough in me to click over, and your prayers and encouragement mean the world to me. Thank you for walking beside me on this journey.