It’s become everyone’s theme song, which irks me, because I hate feeling like a bandwagon rider, but this morning when we finally saw Frozen, I wept openly like a child, because I, in so many ways, have been Elsa most of my life. I’ve lived in fear, in shame, hidden my light, let others tell me “conceal, don’t feel” at different times, and obeyed to make them happy and comfortable, limited myself to being what would make others happy and was therefore safe. I’ve missed out on opportunities, on relationships, isolated myself, it just goes on.
Fear and shame have held me back on the fertility journey too. I’ve been afraid to actively pursue treating my condition at different points for fear of heartbreak or looking like a failure. Well, I’ve survived the “cold” of those, so I’m letting go of that too, with God’s help, every day.
I didn’t realize how much I was relating until Scott and I were talking, and I was describing Elsa and her struggle,
“well, she had this gift, and didn’t know what to do with it so she was afraid, especially when it could have hurt her sister so badly, so she decided to just isolate herself, and her parents encouraged her to do so and to cover up so she didn’t risk, and she never learned how to use it in a happy and beautiful way. Look, when she is free and happy she can create beauty, it’s only fear and shame that cause destruction. She has to find joy in her gifts to use them, not be afraid and lose that ability and they become a liability.”
Scott looked at me and said “are you talking about Elsa or you?”
And that kinda said it all for me. The reason I reacted so viscerally to Let it Go was because I’ve, probably over three years, slowly been building to that level of setting myself free from fear and trying to be what I think will make others happy and like me. I’ve never had many friends, and I’ve done ok in the “cold” of living without being popular, especially in the ways I’ve managed to stay true to who I am. I’ve realized in the past six months that there is one little corner of my life where I haven’t been brave enough to “let it go” and where I’ve felt pressure and fear and let it rule me, and this is the turning point for that. From here out, as long as it honors God, I’m not pretending. I’m building my beautiful ice castle(you’re all welcome to visit though!), my hair is down, and I’m clothed in sparkling blue.
The cold never bothered me anyway.