I’m going through some stuff

And I’m not ashamed to admit it. I’m not going to get into the interpersonal aspects yet. I’m just gonna start with the stuff in my bubble. Let me also preface this by saying I know my story is nowhere near the hardest or the saddest. I know I have much to be thankful for, and I am! We all have our own struggles, journeys, victories, and defeats.

So, it’s no secret that we/I have had a long struggle with infertility. Before I got pregnant with Lexi we tried for five and a half years to concieve. 10 months in we got the news that we were expecting, and a week later lost that baby. That miscarriage shaped the next 3 years of my life, easily, and is still something I struggle with the emotional effects of today in some areas.
I have PolyCystic Ovary Syndrome that, while it sounds like a primarily reproductive issue, affects my life in pretty much every area it can. Maybe I’ll write another post explaining that whole thing another day, but today let’s stick to the reproductive aspect. 
For many people, trying to concieve looks like this: you are intimate on the schedule you decide on (typically every other day), you might track ovulation signs, temperature, etc. then at the end of the month, your period comes, and you’re bummed out and prepare to try again, or you’re pregnant. That’s not what it looklike for me. For me, it looks like this: intimate on the schedule, tracking temp and other signs (took breaks from the tracking sometimes to reduce stress), and when period is expected it doesn’t come. Not “on time”, not a week late, not 2 weeks late, not even a month late. When I found out I was pregnant the first time, I hadn’t had a period in 4 months. Before that it’s been six. After our loss, it was eleven. Other times it was as long as thirteen months. So, I didn’t wonder once a month if I was pregnant. I wondered every single day. And every time I had a negative pregnancy test, I didn’t get my period and a fresh chance a few days later, I usually had to wait months. After five and a half years of this, and really trying to leave it in God’s hands, I had a conversation with my doctor. He asked how often I was having a period, I fell apart. He gently told me that he would advise that I go ahead and try clomid. So, we started. The progesterone I took to induce a period made me ill, but I rode it out. When it was time for my period, it didn’t come. I waited a week, then called the doctor to see if my bloodwork said I’d ovulated. It said i had not. We cried a little, then started the process again. The second month, I really wanted to be less stressed,and just trust God to care for us, so I decided not to do the bloodwork in the middle and just find out if I got pregnant. (In hindsight this was kinda dumb and could have been counterproductive) well, my period was late again. Two long weeks went by, and I was really discouraged. Halfway through the third week past then my period was expected, I saw a pregnancy test in the cabinet and took it on a whim. Lexi. 🙂
Because of the loss in 06, and because I have a fairly severe case of anxiety disorder, I was paranoid to the extreme my whole pregnancy with Lexi, but once she was born, I became transformed. I was cool as a cucumber and comfortably confident about all the new baby/first time parent stuff, and I’m so thankful for that.  
Things started to get hard with my anxiety again in early summer leading up to a family event, then calmed down after. Around that time we decided we were ready to try for a sibling for Lexi, and a week before her first birthday I had my first post-Lexi period. This was huge for me. It meant on some level my body was functioning like a normal fertile woman. Then, in August, after 37 days, and the very day I asked people to start praying for baby 2, I got my period again. I hadn’t had 2 periods that close ever. Then I didn’t have a period in September at all, and it was back to the Pre-Lexi TTC uncertainty. Then, late October, 9 1/2 weeks since my last period, I had another. Still more regular than ever before, and I’m thankful for that. Then 5 weeks later early December, another. Each month I hoped and was heartbroken, but I got through it in God’s strength. Around Christmas I started feeling funny energy wise, in my abdomen, and in a few other ways that I’ve only ever experienced while pregnant. It was too early to test, so I tried to ignore these things and just live my life, but it was so hard. Then, a day before my period was due, I took a test. Negative. 5 days after it was due, tested again. Negative. 4 days after that, the stuff I have been experiencing hasn’t changed, in fact some of it has intensified. And that’s another aspect of my struggle. A negative home pregnancy test doesn’t mean I’m not pregnant necessarily. It could just mean it’s too early to know because I either didn’t ovulate at all, or ovulated later than day 14 of my cycle. The only definitive answers are a positive test or getting my period. Dealing with the feeling pregnant but knowing it’s unlikely feeling is so old and so painful for me. I’m tired of it even though I had 20 mos off from it. 
So, here I am, uncertain, and waiting for the seemingly inevitable heartbreak. The interpersonal aspects(which are significant) aside, I’m really tired of this ride. 
My only option for possibly shortening the process is to try clomid again-and it worked great the first time! But even that is complicated because it would require ending Lexi and my breastfeeding relationship, and while she is old enough, it’s something she really loves and it feels selfish to take from the child I have for a child I don’t (and in my Low-hope state, I think I may never) have. It’s just not easy. Anyway, that’s the part of my struggle that excludes any aspects involving others(and believe me this adds a different lens)…prayers for hope, joy, peace, and BABY TWO are all appreciated!!! 

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