Most of us know someone who wants to have a baby and is having a challenge getting pregnant. Heck, if you’re reading this, I know you do! 😉 This post is a way for me to vent, but hopefully also sorta helpful as a peek inside the struggle. We all have our hot buttons, these just happen to be some of mine, and all of them have been said to me.
If she is trying to become a first time mom:
-“Oh, wait as long as you can to have kids!” Said to me by a mother of five. Yeah, terrible. One, because it’s insensitive, and two, it’s not your business when anyone chooses to start a family.
-“just enjoy practicing! (Wink wink)” oh so original! While it’s decent advice to stop trying hard and have fun, and may even increase the likelihood of conception due to decreased stress…just don’t say this. It’s cheesy, and so overused that I guarantee if you don’t say it, five other people will.
-“you’ll never (sleep/have sex/whatever) again once you have kids!” WHO gives a flying HOOT? This one made me so mad, on top of it not being even a little true. Life becomes more full with Children, but you don’t lose a darn thing!
-“It’ll happen when it’s supposed to.” Yeah, ok, but when is that? You don’t have answers, don’t give platitudes.
If she has a child but is struggling to concieve again:
-“At least you have (name of child)!”
Well, yes I do! And I’m very thankful for her, but as a friend of mine said the other day, “That is like saying that eating one candy bar will satisfy you for life!” It’s also like saying if you got a promotion at work you should be happy in that exact position for the rest of your career!
– “it happened once, it’ll happen again.” Ummmmmmmm not necessarily…
-“oh you’re still young.” Not as young as you think. And you have no idea the circumstances that go into the timing of her attempts. The health issues, the number of children she’s hoping to have, the spacing she’d like between her children…you just don’t know.
-“It’ll happen when it’s supposed to”
Again? Haven’t we covered this one?
Special Christian platitudes:
-“God’s plan is best!” Yes, I wholeheartedly agree, however…this is not always comforting when the horizon is hazy.
-“God doesn’t promise us anything, so I’ll pray that you let go of your desires in favor of His desires for you!” Again, there is truth in this, but it’s really not uplifting to someone who is losing hope in her dreams, sometimes lifelong dreams.
-please don’t lecture or preach at her for struggling. She is going through enough.
So, what *should* you say? I personally would prefer some understanding, empathy, and positive hope, and if possible the offer of joining us in what we are praying for.
Something along the lines of, “that is so hard. I know God has good coming to you, and I’ll be joining you in praying that you don’t have to wait much longer. “
…that’d be nice.
One thought on “What not to say to your infertile friend”
I wish people could just stop talking about another woman's body. I get all sorts of rude comments about not having kids, and questions about when I plan on starting and just nonsense. Thing is most of these people don't know me well enough to know if I am having problems, if I might have had a miscarriage or anything. My sister was telling everyone she didn't want kids when she was dealing with infertility because it was too hard for her to talk about. She didn't even tell most of the family when she was miscarrying, and so she dealt with people trying to convince her to have kids.
I'm not actually trying for kids and the comments are just plain hurtful, like I don't know what I want, and that my choices are invalid. People just need to stop and let people be, to love and support people no matter their decisions, or struggles. It's not helpful and it just makes people hurt *hugs*