I’m a little bit of a walking contradiction these days.
I’m so happy with my life and my family-yet I’m broken inside. I’m lonely and sad that few pursue friendship with me, yet I’m pulling away and the thought of someone coming after me fills me with dread. I know I’m isolating myself, and frankly it’s kind of intentional. I have felt rejected and unwanted and alone for years at a time at different points in my life, and I guess this is my defense against that. You can’t ignore me or reject my need for friendship if I don’t let you close. Besides, I have Scott and Lexi, I can wrap myself in them, and I trust them not to hurt me.
Before and during my pregnancy with Lexi, I was deeply immersed in my church family, spending every possible moment loving and being loved by them. They were amazing through the waiting and the fear and all of my silliness-celebrating with and supporting me. Since she’s been born though…not so much. I don’t know when or how it happened, but I just don’t feel close to or even connected to many anymore. It’s really hard, and I’m sure none of them have a clue. And I don’t want to tell them, because I don’t want love out of pity or obligation. And you know what else? I’m just tired of needing. Always needing. I’m tired of being the broken one.
Related-I miss my high school best friend something fierce. She lives states away and we haven’t spent any time together in 13 years, but in many ways we have more in common now than we ever did. I ache to reach out and tell her I miss her, I love her, I *need* her, but I can’t. I can’t face the rejection I’m almost certain of, because her life is so full, and she doesn’t need my brokenness cluttering it up.
So tired of being broken.