blinders on.

i didn’t know what to call this post. it;s about a lot of things, mostly weight loss related, but some of it is just LIFE and learning how to live it without giving up and giving in to the things that try to drag me down. WARNING: it’s likely that my faith and how it affects my life will come thru in this post- i’d say i’m sorry for that to those who don’t believe as i do, but i’m not, and i’m done apologizing for who i am.

ok, a lot of you know that my main motivation for weight loss is to be as healthy as i can and get pregnant as fast as i can. 2 weeks ago i was at my highest weight in a long time. my period was also supposed to come any minute,m and i just felt awful. i started a cleanse/diet on the 6th, and in the first week i lost 11.6 lbs. that’s the most weight i;ve ever lost in a week, and with only one bout of exercise! i was psyched tpo start week 2.

Well, this week has been harder- the batch of soup i was eating (the backbone of the diet) went sour- literally, and i had to make more, but it took me a couple days to give up on that first batch, so i was pretty weak and emotional. yesterday, armed with new soup, i thought would be better, until i happened to look at some pics of my beautiful nieces on Facebook. i fell absolutely to pieces for an hour. this hasn’t happened in a really long time, and i don’t really know why it did yesterday, except maybe that i felt/feel stuck, because my period is 2 weeks late and it’s like i’m in a holding pattern on that whole subject. when scott came home for lunch, we had an amazing talk, where he told me that i’m not a failure as a woman for not having kids yet, and reminded me that we are on this journey together and lots of other good stuff. we decided to take a pregnancy test in the morning. i felt so much better.

this morning i woke up, took the test, which was, not surprisingly, negative. it was less disappointing than frustrating, because now there is no good reason for a late period, and we are still in this holding pattern. then i thought, well, i;ve probably at least lost some weight, so let me step on the scale. NEGATIVE! i was UP 3 lbs from monday instead of DOWN 5 or so like i;d expected. ARGH! i went in the kitchen, made my steak (it;s steak day on the diet) and ate it, while listening to “running to you” by the newsboys. (i love my newsboys, and get to tell them so in person in 3 days, YAY!) the song renewed me a bit, and got me thinking that God loves me jsut as i am, and His plan is so much greater than mine. maybe He’s giving me time to lose this weight and get my cycle more regualr so i can have a healthier baby, maybe i’m up a few lbs today because my period actually is coming, maybe i jsut need to chill the crap out and enjoy the beautiful day. i shared this thought on Facebook, and some dear ones backed me up with encouragement. i texted a friend about the weight thing, and she told me to grab some dieters tea to help my digestive system. well, i thought, i have 2 choices. i can either tell scott i need this like a bum, or get myself out into the fresh air and walk a mile or so! i did the latter.

i’m definitely feeling renewed on a few levels, and am so thankful for the husband, friends, and family God has blessed me with! more soon!

2 thoughts on “blinders on.

  1. I remember those days of trying to be pregnant. The pills and shots were annoying, but the waiting was the worst because it gave me time to entertain all sorts of foolish notions in my mind. It's good that you have your faith and supportive people around you to help you through.

  2. I have found in my life your mental attitude has more to do with weight loss then anything else, so over obsessing can sometimes stunt you. Also, losing close to 12lbs in a week is major, so your body may be trying to recover from that, also, that could be why the late period, your body trying to recover. Your body doesn't understand that extra weight nowadays isn't helpful, it wants to hold on to it in case you don't get to eat again. Our Bodies are built for the nomadic days of hunting and gathering, not for prepackaged meals and food everywhere. *hugs* you're doing great, keep focused on the positive and know that things will work out for you, but what you have planned and what is right for you are not always the same. Sometimes His plan is different and you don't realize till much later

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