It’s like this right now

I have probably mentioned that I use the Calm app for mindfulness, meditation, deep breathing, and help falling asleep. There is a feature called the Daily Calm, which is a 10-15 minute meditation that is new each day, and, oh my stars, y’all, today’s was perfect.

Last night I was talking with E about how for the first two years of my journey with these mental health struggles being more severe I felt like the answer was to make myself do, Do, DO! I needed to keep the house perfect, feed the children the best food, engage with them constantly, keep everyone in my life happy with me, etc. I gave myself no grace and no care, other than the exercise, which was more a sense of punishing my body into becoming what I thought (what the world tells me) it should be. My OCD literally gobbled up this false pressure to achieve perfection, to prove I am good enough. That’s a whole other aspect of my journey really, but what E and I were talking about and really even celebrating was the freedom I’m finding in abiding. Realizing that where I am is where I am supposed to be right now, and even here, God is growing me and blessing me, and making me beautiful. There is joy in where I am.

So this morning, I open my Calm app and start the Daily Calm, which is titled “It’s Like This”. I had no idea what that meant, but I was game for whatever, because I was feeling pretty good so I didn’t need to find the meditation to match my mood. The meditation guidance was about practicing nonresistance, and accepting things as they are, particularly when you can’t control them.

The story she told to illustrate this had to do with the weather, and basically that if you decide you like and accept whatever weather is coming, it’s always the kind of weather you like. It’s like this, right now.

This played out for me on a practical level this morning like this. Declan came in our room literally ten seconds before our alarm went off, meaning the hour or so I had planned to be alone and eat, have devotions, and meditate would also include him-and within a few minutes, Lexi too. I could easily have been frustrated and given up on my self care plans, and let the morning get away from me, but instead, just like in my Meditation (which I hadn’t done yet even!) I chose to say, well, okay, it’s like this, right now, and I’m going to make the best of it. And I did. We did. Even with the added wrangling of kids, I kept the morning on track with time, and made my self care happen, and the kids had an opportunity to respect boundaries. It was good.

So, hopefully I can remember this at points along this journey where I am tempted to condemn myself for where I am, or feel frustrated with things I can’t control.

It’s like this, right now.

And that’s okay.

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