I started this last Friday, and I’m finishing on Monday, and it’ll be a slightly different post than I planned..because God is amazing with how He chooses to make His presence known.
I’m so lonely. I miss my family, every single one of them. I miss my mama’s hugs, the way she loves my babies. I miss my daddy’s calm strength and the way both my children know he’s a safe, kind, warm place. I miss my sister and her little boy, and their bright eyes. I mis-at this point my phone lit up with FaceTime request-from my Mama! You guys, I mean…GOD TIMING! It was such a great conversation too. I was seen (literally and figuratively), heard, loved, and wanted by one of, if not the person I miss most. She told me she almost just drove up here that day, and the thought both elated and terrified me. It elated me, because I crave being wanted, for someone I love to want I spend time with me. It terrified me because of where I am with my illnesses. But she understood! And accepts and loves me where I am! And that helps erase the shame that compounds my pain.
See, like I was saying. I miss all those things about my family and more-like my youngest sister’s hugs and laughter and her husband’s warmth and genuine loving heart-but I can’t have them right now, because the cost is still too great. It breaks my heart, and the only FOMO I experience ever is seeing my family do things together without me, but also motivates me to keep putting one foot ahead of the other on this journey.
I am an extrovert, and a lover of people, and that part of me is starving, but this is as temporary as it has been interminable. I will visit my family, go spend time with my MOPS tribe, have play dates, go to church. But right now I’m not ready. And that has to be ok.