I wish I could write here about the roller coaster of the past eight months, about the sadness, the fear, and the beauty and the healing-because it’s all important- ut I just can’t find a way, because telling my story would be telling a story that involves other people, and I really try not to do that here because I never want to hurt anyone or make anyone feel like they are on the defensive. I do feel like I need to write about it somewhere, though, so it will likely have to
be old school, in a paper journal.
I don’t have a plan for this post, I just feel like I need to write and clear my head and I feel like so much of what is in my head is important and could really help someone else.
I’m just over a month into therapy, I have at least a provisional diagnosis (feel free to ask, but I’m not ready to share that here in the open), and we are starting to talk about the hard stuff, the practical. I’m terrified by that. I wanted to run out of the room at least twice on Monday, but I also really want to believe this can and will help. I really like E, and I think she is definitely a good fit for me. She encourages me in a way I think it’s safe to say nobody ever has. These are things she has said, just in this first handful of sessions:
“You are such a survivor!”
“You have such a beautiful heart!”
“You are so gracious, even when talking about people and situations that are painful for you!”
“I love the way you love people!”
“It’s is so beautiful the way you feel things! You really feel your feelings, and so many people can’t do that.”
Those are just a few off the top of my head.
I feel like the things that most people close to me have tried to get me to tamp down or change, (maybe because it doesn’t match how they deal with things, or it makes them uncomfortable?) are things she is able to see and appreciate in me-things that, if I let myself, I actually love about myself! It’s like she’s holding up a mirror, but with a truth filter that removes the shame of many years of bullying by peers and judgement by authority figures-and I truly feel like digging more into and seeing myself through that mirror, as the woman God made me-ON PURPOSE- could go a long way toward helping me heal. I struggle so much with value and worth and feeling loved and wanted-even with those I’m closest to I have a sense of being put up with like an annoying but endearing pet at best, but maybe if I can discover the truth and beauty of who God made me and know it’s on and for a purpose, I can build more confidence to live a freer more confident life. Maybe I can see and receive love from others, no matter how they are showing it, instead of missing it because it’s not how I want it (even subconsciously, because I’m not a brat who wants things my way-more on this later), and maybe I will be easier to love if I’m not gobbling up everything I get like it’s my first meal in months. That’s on top of the clinical care and exercises I’ll do with E, and I think it will be worth the time I’ll have to carve out to do it.
About receiving love: I had a bit of a wake up moment recently during a really hard conversation with a loved one. I don’t recall the exact words, but this person basically said that they try and try to show me their love and I just won’t accept or believe it. It breaks my heart and I’m in tears just writing that, because, a) I would NEVER want anyone to feel that way, that sense of rejection, especially someone I love so much, and b) I am SO hungry for love, from those closest to me in particular, that I am sad to have missed out-and somehow I have, and I don’t know how. But, even in the tumultuous place my mind and heart were in in that moment, I purposed and prayed to have open eyes to love being shown me, especially by those who may love differently than me. And you know what? God answered that prayer immediately and repeatedly. Again, I can’t share details here, but when I write in that journal, this conversation and what has followed in this relationship will be covered with great detail!
I feel like I need to write another post now, that connects to but doesn’t fit in this one, about mental health and faith and where my heart is on the topic.
I really hope this journey and the gift God has given me of transparency and candor-I’m a freaking open book-will encourage, comfort, embolden, and bless y’all!