The Tide

I’ve finally realized that the best analogy for the fluidity of my mental/emotional state these days is the tide. It’s cyclical overall (cuz it’s hormonal, duh) and yet, a riptide (calm at the surface, treacherous below–caused by triggers, some predictable, some not ) is always possible, and tidal waves are a thing too. High tide is when I feel like I could drown (the past week or so) and am too tired but must keep fighting to stay afloat, and low tide is when I feel able to wiggle my toes, turn my face to the sun, and relax. And y’know what else is awesome about low tide? You see the treasures that high tide left behind. ☺️
Today I woke like I have for almost two weeks now, with an elephant on my chest and my stomach roiling. The difference is, that like yesterday, there were no fearful thoughts to match. The physical does still affect the emotional though. Yesterday was Wednesday and I didn’t have to get up and moving immediately, so I lay in Scott’s arms and chatted lightly until my body relaxed and I moved on with my day. It wasn’t ideal, but my body is tired and has been through the wringer between PPDA, pms, and BodyShred lately so it’s not surprising. Today, all the above is true, but I didn’t have the time to lie in bed till I felt better, though I stole a few extra minutes. I’m moving more slowly through my morning routine than I’d like, repeating truths to myself to fend off any thoughts that might try to come- any riptide lurking below my calm waters. 
The kids are healthy. 
Lexi will learn to obey. 
You are doing a great job.
You will get better, healthier, physically and emotionally. 
You are worth the struggle.
You are worth loving. 
You feel this way because you are tired, but you are getting stronger and you will rest better for the work. 
It is low tide. The sun is rising. I’ll feel it soon. I’m healing. One moment at a time He is renewing me. 

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