Approaching a Waypoint

I couldn’t really think of the right word, so that’ll have to do. I’m having a slow start due to Anxhaustion (this is my new word that just sums it all up-anxiety caused by exhaustion that creates more exhaustion, creating more anxiety. Yay.) but I’m going to write while I drink my coffee and my workout will absolutely still happen. And yoga too. Annnnnywaaaaay…

We leave for vacation three weeks from tomorrow! I’m SO looking forward to this trip, to play with Lexi in the waves, to introduce Declan to the beach, to relax and eat good food (hopefully resist too much of the stuff that tastes good but isn’t…), to spend unscheduled unpressured time with some of my favorite people, and get a good dose of vitamin D. 
It also marks my first concrete goal. I want to be able to fit comfortably and aesthetically, my size 6 jeans and capris. I think I’ll be able to, also. I tried them on yesterday, and they buttoned and zipped just fine, though they were muffin toppy and not ideal around the middle. Nothing that didn’t seem within the realm of 3 weeks of hard work though. This is a big exciting deal for me, because getting into those pants means that I’m one size away from my smallest ever, and that puts my goal of size four jeans by the end of BodyShred (late October) within reach. Once I get those size four jeans, a very big part of my fitness journey will be past, and a new, exciting, and challenging one will continue and come to the forefront. Ropes n Guns n Abs, baybeeee! 
The past few weeks I’ve found myself frustrated by what I can’t do, or can’t do without modifying in my Jillian Michaels workouts. In most of the (non body Revolution) workouts I do of hers, I do the advanced version of almost every move. Now, I’m in level 3 of Killer Arms and Back as well as Killer Abs, and there are some moves in both I just flat out can’t do, and even modified is like WHAa?  That’s hard. So, I can definitely see that when I finish my first round of BodyShred (probably having to modify a TON) my focus the next time through is going to be being Able to actually DO more. I’m trying to coach myself now to not get discouraged, because I know it’s gonna be SO hard, from day 1, and I will have to improvise on a lot of the cardio the first round, because plyo is not the best plan for me, but I’m going to do this, I’m going to get stronger, and I’m going to conquer, just like I always have. 3.5 years ago I had never done a push up on my toes, now I can crank out sets of 25. I can do this. 
Today is my last Killer Abs workout of this round, and Monday I start 3 weeks of Killer Body, and I’ll pick up one more week of that after Vacation before starting Bodyshred. I’ve previewed the upper body workout for Killer Body, and holy Push ups! Yeah I’m gonna be humbled by this, but how awesome will it be in future rounds to see how far I’ve come? 
As much as I’ve felt frustrated and defeated along the way, and I know I may feel that way again, I’m really proud that I haven’t given up. Through the PPDA, the exhaustion, the nursing challenges and pumping around the clock, the kids waking up too early, through mornings like this one where I feel like I can’t get off the couch, where the fear of unknown bad is paralyzingly me, I haven’t quit fighting for my health, mental, physical, spiritual, emotional. And I won’t. 
I’m gonna address something here that I don’t talk about much. I know I could take meds and the PPDA would probably be a non factor, or at least less of one, but the effect that meds have had on my body in other ways makes that just not the right choice for me. I’ve never been able to shed fat or even maintain a healthy weight when on antidepressants. It’s not just vanity either. My PCOS is worse in every way when I am heavier. My cycle doesn’t exist, I have painful cysts, migraines, and more. I will work my tail off in exercise and eating good food and using oils and supplements-all more effort, all requiring consistency, but long term, a better solution for me. I haven’t fully ruled out some talk therapy though. Updates on this part of my journey as they come. 

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