I was gonna write this later, because I’m really trying to stay off my phone till after I’ve worked out, but, just as I was about to work out, the Boy woke up, so nursing and blogging it is.
I crave community, and particularly a best friend who loves Jesus. I had one in my early twenties, and I still love her, but seasons in life shifted, she started working, and we kinda drifted. Then came “the bad times”, as we call July 2007-July 2009 around here. I had a “best friend” during that time, but she wasn’t a Christian, and that relationship was just never all that healthy to begin with. It ended abruptly, and those who love me breathed a sigh of relief. Since then, I’ve struggled a lot with craving a “person”. I’m close to my sisters, and I have a friend who is like a little sister to me (I love you so much, T!) but none of them is in the right position to be that person, y’know? Not a “good enough” thing, just it’s not something you choose exactly. A few times over the past 5 years I’ve thought “hey maybe she’s the one!” And it’s never worked out.
Because I’m afraid.
I start to hope, and then I get scared and I don’t pursue. All the reasons (excuses, mostly) come into my head, and I just retreat from hoping and close myself off. I’m afraid to be rejected, afraid to be hurt, ashamed that I don’t drive, of how broken I am, afraid I’m too much to handle, her life is full, she has a best friend, etc. I’ve been invited to mom’s small group at church, even offered a ride, but I’ve never gone. Scared. Intimidated. Want to throw up thinking about it. I joined MOPS, went a few times, LOVE those honest, real women, but fear of my kids getting sick (because that’s what happens when littles congregate, and it’s a MAJOR anxiety trigger for me) and just general crazy evenings and exhaustion have been a barrier for months.
And I crave having a person. A best friend to do life with and text all through the day and hang out with drinking wine till the wee hours. Couple best friends. We had that, for about 4 years, (seasonal changes…) and I miss it.
I’m reading For the Love by Jen Hatmaker, and she wrote a couple chapters about that close, genuine community, and it awakened my craving. She said though, if you want community, create it. So I’m praying and marinating in that for the moment. I have some ideas, and I’m praying about courage and guidance and I’m gonna talk and pray with Scott.
I want to throw up even talking about it here and now, so I’m interested to see what God has planned here…