It may be partly that I’m tired and still adjusting to getting up at 6am, it may be partly hormones, but I just want to quit working out. I’ve been working out consistently and eating pretty clean (and definitely not too much) for 3 months now, and I’m seeing no tangible measurable payoff. I know I’m getting stronger, some definition is returning in my arms, and my depression is manageable, but I’m still in the same pant size I was 3 weeks postpartum and that literally makes me cry. I know results will come, and I’m laying groundwork and all that, but it’s like I said to Scott the other day: If you went to work and gave your best every day and never got a paycheck, knowing that someday at some unknown arbitrary time you’d start getting paid…You’d probably say “well why don’t I just start working when you’re gonna pay me?”
I’m getting up at 6am when I could get up at 8, I’m pushing my body as hard as it can go 4-6x a week, and I’m not sure I can keep it up indefinitely with no payoff.
I know why I’m not seeing results, most likely. It’s because I’m EBF Declan and working outta the same time. My body is freaking out and holding on to the weight. I can’t not work out, though. I promised myself I would do better and take better care of myself from day 1 this time, so I’m going to. I really need something to give though.
Another thing that’s discouraging me has been my workout performance. I am finishing weeks 5/6 (but really week 8 because of restarting this level after my surgery) of body Revolution, which makes tomorrow my halfway point. This being my fourth time through the program, I remember what I felt like at this point before, and I really don’t remember workout 5 being so hard. I’ve wracked my brain about why it is bringing me to tears and taking me 50 min (it has a 37 min run time) to complete. I have come up with two answers: a) I was 14 months postpartum at this point my first time through- not just under 5. b) I was not doing the plyo moves or cardio intervals (usually walking in place). That makes a huge difference in intensity, and I’m doing everything this time through.
So I probably shouldn’t feel bad about that. But I’m really not looking forward to leveling up on Monday, because I remember workout 7 being my least favorite.
Finally, I’m really struggling with comparison. I’ve come a long way with this, but it is still an area I’m being stretched in. I see other people’s pictures and want to cry, especially moms who had babies close to when I did, and their baby weight just fell off from breastfeeding, and they are all sorts of hi cal food and are rail thin. I am not that person and my journey isn’t going to be theirs, but dang it twists the knife. I don’t know how to reconcile how hard I work for no results with seeing others where I want to be with no effort (in their own words).
I just don’t want to feel this anymore.