This is what is true:
-I am incredibly blessed with a wonderful husband and daughter, all my physical needs met, a church family and some friends who live further away who give me incredible support. My life as it is is good.
-there is no reason to think we are not going to have more children, except my weird negative superstitions and believing lies, and all the reason to believe we will from a tangible medical perspective. I got pregnant with Lexi very quickly using Clomid, I am far healthier now than I was even then, and I did get pregnant relatively quickly last winter with no help. So I have all the reasons in the world to expect good things.
Maybe if I exposed the lies as such it would help me. When I was struggling with anxiety when I was pregnant with Lexi, one of our dearest friends said this:
“Stop pulling up a chair to the devil and listening to his bullshit.”
Now, that’s in context of a much larger email, and not as harsh as it sounds, especially considering the source is someone who loves me, is in the foxhole with me, and is the closest thing I’ve ever had to a true big brother.
And, he’s absolutely right. I think that’s probably my biggest struggle emotionally and spiritually. I hear all the lies, and I start to believe them and dwell on them as truth instead of walking away or slamming the door. Some of these lies are the same lies I was struggling with two years ago when i got that email.
-good things don’t happen to you. LIE-Lexi. Boom. Scott. Boom. Trip to the Philippines when my life was falling apart. Boom. Three life-defining good things.
-“when you see someone else being blessed in the way you are praying for for yourself, it won’t happen for you.”—now, I know where this comes from, and I wrote about it the other day. This is a really tough one for me, especially in the area of having children. I know it’s a LIE, because, again, Lexi. It’s a hard one still, because of September baby, and because I haven’t yet been strong enough to call it out as a lie whenever it creeps in.
-“god won’t give you another child unless you earn it”- it’s hard to find words to explain this one, but it’s a biggie. See, I’m constantly scrambling to figure out what I’m doing so wrong that’s coming between me and another baby, and feeling tremendous pressure to do everything right. This is wrong on so many levels and that’s why maybe it’s the hardest to conquer right now. This is a LIE because:
-we can’t earn blessings or bargain with God. That’s just not how it works. His blessings are free gifts, like His love. We can seek Him diligently and ask for freedom from the things that are keeping us from abundant life in Him, but there’s no earning anything, particularly a baby.
-it’s not that I don’t deserve blessing(I never could, so it’s moot) it’s that He has timing in mind that is absolutely right for my good and His glory. This isn’t a punishment, it’s a blessing. I fully believe that Lexi came to us at exactly the right time, and I certainly wasn’t perfect then either! I think part of my struggle with trusting in His plan and his timing comes from a truth that the enemy twists in my mind.
-“this side of heaven, we aren’t promised anything concretely. ” this is absolutely true, and for me it can be a very hope sapping and depressing thought. The answer is that we are to live each day pursuing God and His will in our lives, and finding Joy in what He has given us. And that’s fantastic-it’s something I am praying to be able to do better all the time! But at the same time, I am on the verge of tears right now because the idea of not having any more babies biologically as a possibility in God’s plan is an exponential version of heartbreaking for me. I know that His plan is perfect, and if that were His plan, than it would be the best thing for me, but then why do I have this deep heart wrenching desire for it? Again, I have no reason at all to think that more babies are not part of God’s plan, and many reasons to think they are, but the frailty of my mind takes “you aren’t promised anything” and turns it into “you get nothing.” Which is far from the truth. I’m a mess, believe me, I know.
At least one friend has brought up that it was “when I stopped stressing” I got pregnant with Lexi, as a way of trying to convince me to care less and therefore struggle less with this-and I do appreciate it. Weelllll that’s not exactly the case though. In October 2011 we discovered our first cycle of clomid had not resulted in ovulation. my fitness journey was going great at that point, and I started to feel like I wanted to see that through and maybe I didn’t want a baby right now after all, but at the same time I felt like I didn’t have time not to keep trying. So I took the clomid, we did the baby dance on the prescribed schedule, and got Lexi. That’s what happened. That was going on three years ago, and I’ve now had that baby and reached and surpassed my fitness goals, in addition to Lexi, which is awesome. I know that biologically my liklihood of getting and staying pregnant is better if I can chill out and not obsess over it, and believe it or not I’m really trying to just focus on what each day has in it and enjoy that, but life is not helping me out in that area. Every time I start to feel content and patient, something pops up and either brings my hearts desire to the forefront by way of making me think I am pregnant or finding out someone else is, triggering my fear.
So I pray. And pray and pray. I feel like I’ll never get a break enough for my body to get a fair chance at a healthy pregnancy, but God is bigger than my body, and this is all about His plan.
So, that’s my heart dump for today. Thanks for your prayers.