So this morning during our walk I started a familiar line of thinking:
“If you’re not pregnant this month you could just close the door and not try to have more children. Look how wonderful Lexi is. Look at how fit you’ve gotten. You could keep your body and your one easy child and just enjoy it without having to go through all this limbo and risk and heartache.”
Now, I’m fully aware that this is fear masking in contentment. It’s me trying to protect myself. The best things in life come with a bit of risk, and in my experience, motherhood is the very best.
So I then asked myself, “why do you want a baby so bad?” And there are many reasons! One is that I love being pregnant. I love all the magic and growth and bonding and promise that comes with it. I found giving birth an incredible experience, even with a 57 hour labor. Maybe the biggest immediate reason I want another baby is because I want another *baby*! I love babies, and when Lexi was one I thrived. I knew what to do from the first moment and it was just what I was MADE for, the nursing, cuddling, diapers, all of it put me in my element and I crave it again. The second big reason, equal to this one is that I really want Lexi to have a sibling. I was an only child for a long time, and even once I had siblings, they were so much younger that it felt more like a constant babysitting job than the siblinghood I saw in other families. I want Lexi to have what Scott did growing up, the opportunity for a built in best friend. They may not be close due to personality, but even in that there are lessons and growth.
There are other reasons, like my fear that if I don’t have a ton of kids I’m useless as a woman, or that I’m less than other women because it’s harder for me to have them, but I’m choosing daily to ignore these lies.
The only reasons *not* to keep trying are selfish ones, so I can rest fairly securely that we are on the right path. I’m still gonna keep praying that there is a little person growing right now!