I’m hoping to write about what God is doing in me and teaching me through the traumatic roller coaster that was January of this year, but this is not that post. I am too sad and exhausted right now to look back. Instead, I’m going to look forward and share our plan to move forward and how I hope to really make the most out of what I’ve been given in light of it.
I saw Dr Reutinger a week ago, and after concluding that everything looked normal physically with me, he encouraged us to hold off on trying for another baby until Lexi is fully weaned. Not to say that I couldn’t get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy on my own, but considering my history with that, and my history with using Clomid, he thinks that Clomid gives us the best chance at a healthy pregnancy. Is it what I wanted to do? No, but I/we are going to take this advice, because Dr Reutinger has been with us on this entire journey and every single piece of advice he’s given me in over eight years has been exactly right.
So, this leaves me with something I’ve not had since I was twenty years old. Time to focus solely on my health without holding back. See, I lost a chunk of weight in 05 but it was driven by my aesthetic need to be “thin enough” for a certain event, and after that event I lost interest/motivation, my exercise and healthy eating were sporadic at best, and I gained back everything I’d lost and more in a matter of months, and couldn’t get below 190. Then, in January of 2011 we started actively trying to get pregnant instead of the past 4 years of passivity, and in March I started my major push for health. I worked hard and ate well, and really discovered the athlete and the chef inside myself, but I was striving toward two goals and constantly torn about which to give more to, meaning there was a part of me always holding back to protect the baby that *could* be conceived at any moment. Then I finally got pregnant with Lexi, and did great at keeping up my workouts through my first trimester, but then stopped entirely, and though I generally ate well throughout my pregnancy, I didn’t really take as good care of myself as I should have, and it took me 7 months to even start moving again. I don’t regret a moment that I spent snuggling Lexi, as that is time and opportunity I’ll never have in quite that way again, because every baby who comes after will have to share me, but I do feel it’s extremely important that I make time for my body every day, starting again as soon as I’m able after giving birth. I have a plan for that, when the time comes. Over the past year I have gotten into the best shape of my life and learned the value of taking the time I need to care for me, but I’ve still been holding back a bit to protect my milk supply for Lexi, and since august, anytime after the 14th day of my cycle, there’s a niggling thought of protecting a possible baby (which if I think about it is funny since for 11 weeks of my pregnancy with Lexi I was working out 3-4hours most days). At this point, partly through our short time with September Baby, Lexi is down to one nursing session per day, which I’m fairly certain is more about comfort and connection than nutrition,so supply isn’t a concern any more. That means that since we aren’t trying at all right now, I have nothing and no one to protect and no reason to pull back or slack off. So am I going to drive myself into the ground? Noooooo! But it affords me some freedom to push a little harder, and to not feel anxiety if I’m working really hard that I’m gonna hurt baby 2. So, losing September Baby sucks like I can’t express, but it comes with a gift of being able to take a couple or three months and get even healthier and fitter in preparation for a healthy and active pregnancy with baby two.
I’m starting today. My eating since the 24th has been awful in quality due to being sad and tired, and I’m definitely feeling the effects, especially combined with three weeks off from exercise due to exhaustion physically and emotionally from the roller coaster. So, food is clean, I’m drinking tons of water and deTox tea, I’m ordering eboost to fuel my mornings instead of coffee, and I’m getting back into my workout routine starting today. I’ve got workout calendars made up through April, and come what may, I’m sticking to them. I’ve done it faithfully since September, and I am excited to see what happens now!