Friday thoughts

I’m feeling a lot of feelings today. Disappointment because I thought my period came for a hot minute yesterday, but later realized no, just more of the same spotting that’s been going on 3.5 weeks now…

Accomplishment because of how I’ve kicked butt at my workouts this week. Right now I’m exhaust and sore, but proud. 
Discouragement that weight hasn’t been and isn’t falling off as quickly as I’d like, but more discouragement that my period is now 13 days late. I know God can overcome my lack of a cycle and that there isn’t any obstacle to interfere when he is ready for us to have another baby, but it’s still hard and I feel like my body is just broken. How did I live so many years in this limbo while TTC? I know i struggled with it, but it seems so much worse this month. Maybe I was used to it or numb. I’m okay with not being pregnant yet, but it leeches hope from me to not even be moving in that direction. 
And finally, I’m thinking/feeling this, which is hard to define. I feel like maybe this is God giving me time to accomplish and reach a goal that I’ve been pushing toward for a long 10 years at least. I feel like the end of my weight loss journey is in reach. I still have the general 150 number as my goal, but I don’t know if I will end up that low. I do feel, however, that if I’m not pregnant too soon, I can get to my maintenance weight-the weight at which my body can feel like mine again and I can just focus on strength, toning, and performance. That’s my real goal at this point. To get somewhere I can generally  maintain during pregnancy and return to postpartum and build upon.  So, yeah, if I get an extra month or 2 (or whatever,though it’s hard to think about) to go hard and achieve my goals, that’s awesome. I’m really gonna try to make the most of this time and not focus on the brokenness of my reproductive system.

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