pencil to paper update #1

it’s been a cuckoo crazy couple weeks. lotsa thoughts to share.
1. the fertility drugs were a no-go last month. i’m mostly ok about that, because i know God’s got this, and i can be patient. the hard part was having to take the Provera again. but, i’m on the other side of that, and tomorrow i start the Clomid.
2. i haven’t been to the gym in 2 weeks (13 days.)  i haven’t been slacking, it’s just been a forced 2 days for impact, being sick when we got home, and then the provera for the past week. tomorrow i’m heading back and i’m gonna rock it out. i’ve also been thinking that i can’t think of getting pregnant as something that is for sure going to change things in the fitness arena- i think i need to be determined not to let it unless the doctor says i need to chill (which, knowing him, is unlikely.) because if i start making excuses for myself early on, i’m never gonna reach or maintain what i want. i have hated being a bum the past 2 weeks, but to be honest, i;ve started to adjust to it, and that SCARES me! so, here is my resolution: NO skipped workouts, period- unless the gym is closed that day, i have to go. i definitely felt like garbage during my most recent workouts, but i still kicked butt, so no excuses!!! i’m a little scared to jump back in tomorrow, because it’s my most hardcore workout day of the week, but i absolutely have to.
3. i’m not sure if i’ve shared this, so here goes. as much as i’ve been aching and cryin g to have a baby, i’m really conflicted the past month. i feel like i’ve never been this happy and content and complete in my life. i’ve fallen in LOVE with my workouts and am healthier than ever, my marriage is the best it’s EVER been, i have an incredible church family who loves me, i’m involved in a youth ministry that i see God doing HUGE things in,  my relationships with my siblings, parents, in-laws, etc are the best they’ve ever been, and we are 2 months from being out of debt. I want to be a mother, but i’m questioning if i want it *right now.* i sometimes feel like i wanna reach my fitness goals and enjoy all we have worked for with getting out of debt before we change everything. The bottom line is, though that i’m not getting any younger, and since fertility is an issue, i don’t feel like i have the option of waiting if i want a bio baby. i know that i need to see this Clomid thing through, and if that doesn’t work out, then that’s the answer, and we move on toward adoption and foster care. above all, i gotta leave it in Hands that are bigger and stronger than my own. 🙂

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