At War

This morning i find myself at war…with myself. part of me is so driven and motivated to shed this fat, and the other is pissed that because of my disease (PCOS) it;s not happening the way i want it to. this comes in two parts. the PCOS causes a messed up metabolism in general, which makes everything harder, and it also causes extreme fatigue. the second part is the thorn in my side right now. I’m ready for a nap pretty much all the time. now- last week i got up at 6 every day M-F and had a great workout m-w and would have the other 2 days but for my knee injury (more on that in a moment) then Saturday we got up and went for that 2 hour 5 mile hike and holy crap was it both exhilarating and really tough. since then, though, I’ve just been wiped out. no workout Monday, Tuesday all i managed was cardio at the gym (which was nothing to sneeze at- 50 min elliptical run= 7 miles even) Wed i tried the Biggest Loser Last Chance Workout. it was the hardest workout I’ve ever done (and am about to do it again). i couldn’t even finish the 25 min of intervals. now, it;s debatable whether i gave up too easy- i probably did, but holy crap was it tougher than expected. yesterday, sore and sleepy and dejected, i took the day off. BAD! i went to bed on time last night and slept pretty well. i did not get up on time today (something which, as simple as it is, i think is key)and i made the mistake of stepping on the scale. BAD! I’m actually- not surprisingly- up 2 lbs from my Monday weight in- because it;s the middle of the week and I’m bloated and sore. i need to not weigh in unless it is weigh in day. not to mention the fact that the scale lies. what i weigh and the shape of my body are rarely something that match up. i mean, i do not LOOK like i weigh 196 lbs. most people would guess around 175. second, i have and am probably putting on- a lot of muscle. in weight loss one cannot forget this exchange. muscle weights more than fat, and i have a lot of it. this is my third time losing this weight- and the last- and i therefore have more muscle on me and less fat to lose than the people on BL that i look to for inspiration. I’m realizing again as i type this that this is my journey. nobody else’s. i can’t measure my success by anyone else’s results, because they are not me. i have the motivations, i have the need to within me, i just need the stamina to look and think and feel past the fatigue and the pain and look at where i am going and how many lives can be toughed by my story and the success that will come even though I’ll have had to push *that much* harder to get there. I’ve got friends with PCOS who have been fighting this battle too and i bet that seeing me persevere through this can help them find the strength and the courage to do it too. WE CAN DO THIS! *I* CAN DO THIS! its gonna hurt, and it;s gonna be hard, but it;s gonna be worth it.

One thought on “At War

  1. Don't give up. Don't give in. Balance, as with all things is the key. I am a black belt in two styles of martial arts. I've owned my own dojang. I love running and have run in 5 and 10ks and regularly run 3+ miles in 95+ degree weather and 90%+ humidity. And none of that makes any difference. According to the BMI (which is extremely stupid and needs modified) I am borderline obese at 191 and 5'10″ regardless of the muscle. Keep pushing, but keep it balanced. Your routine should be too hard to finish, but only by a bit, and not so much that it prohibits the next one. You know this. You also know that the only one that can do it is you. I'm proud of you and your determination is an inspiration. You will be the big winner. Never give up. Never give in. Balance and perspective.

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