Yes, I’m late. Blargh. I have good reason, though. On Wednesday I was in the middle of a wellness slump-I felt like I was in some sort of crazy vortex, really. I’m gonna share with you how I got there, though, because it’s super important to my learning and growing process, and maybe yours too!
I don’t really have any updates for food and exercise, because literally the day after my last post is when everything kinda crashed on me. I lifted first thing that Thursday morning (10/3), but I knew my recovery wasn’t great, so I called it a day after that, and decided to rest up so I could get back to it the next day without digging myself into a hole.
Welp. It was too late. Around 6 PM that evening, a tiny thing triggered my anxiety/OCD and I crumbled. It was my worst anxiety episode in months. The only answer was rest-as much as I could get, and making sure I kept eating. I had zero appetite as I worked through this, which took me a full week to really come out of. I needed rest and sleep, but I couldn’t get it, because my mind was spinning and my body was just on full alert. I can’t even tell you much of what I ate or what self care strategies I employed because I was just surviving, especially from Thursday night through Monday. I prayed a lot, used my Write the Word journal, prayer journaled, lay on the couch and cried out to God, did a couple meditation sessions using the Calm app…and tried to sleep. A lot. If the kids were napping/resting, I was too. I didn’t get up early, didn’t work out-I still haven’t-and I reached out and asked friends for prayer. I let people see me and love me and risked eye rolls in order to let those who would be part of God’s work do so.
I also decided that (in God’s strength) I was not going to let this set me back. I have gained so much joy and freedom and I knew I was on the cusp of so much more! I was not going to-will not- allow this or anything else to take me backwards. I had had a major moment on Tuesday (10/1) where I called out the lies I have believed that have kept me from living my life in the joy and freedom of knowing God’s love and kindness, and it seems the enemy was not Kiki g the chain breaking and freedom looming ahead of me. I would not and will not let him win.
I also talked to E about it. In the past, I’ve mentioned things to her without talking in depth about them, in order to protect myself from being embarrassed (because they are always totally irrational things) or because I don’t want to relive them. This time I felt like in order to fully delegitimize and disempower these thoughts, I needed to call them-and the lie that spawned them, the idea that I must be perfect or hell will rain down- out as nonsense with E. I’m so glad I did, but man, the rest of that day was rocky. E calls it a vulnerability hangover, and while it rarely happens with her anymore, this was a powerful one.
The advice she left me with at the end of our session was not anything new, but it was the right moment, because it would not leave me alone, and God was speaking though her, clearly. She advised me to live present in this moment and not get pulled into thinking about the future and trying to anticipate every possible outcome.
That advice changed everything. I cannot wait to tell you how, in my next Wellness Wednesday post.