I did not really want to go to therapy tonight. I wanted to see E, wanted to share what I've been thinking and feeling and what God is showing me about Himself and myself, and where he's calling to my heart (and oh how my heart aches for Him, Y'all. How I am
hungry for Him, His Love, His Peace…His arms holding me close.) I wanted to share that I really am feeling that before I can heal
in practical ways, before I can test my limits and push myself into these uncomfortable situations, I need to develop some confidence. Above all else, I need to rediscover who God is, who He is to ME, how much He loves me. I also need to discover, explore, embrace who I am. Who He says I am, just as His child, and the beauty of all
he individual ways He has made me ME. ON PURPOSE, y'all! Because who I am is going to bring him joy and glory. I feel so strongly that these things are going to help
me so much to approach the hard work with strength and confidence.
I also feel like I need to get a handle on my everyday self care before I can go stressing myself out, if that makes sense. I feel like if I am not taking great care of myself *now*, with no actual extra demands on me, I'm
eally gonna shut down if I try to make myself do hard things. So I want to work on that too. Especially my mornings, which are, and have been, the tone-setters for my day. If I can make getting up, having devotions, working out before the kids get up, and keeping up baseline housework habitual again, if they are my normal, it will reduce the fear I have of everything collapsing that I think lies beneath so many of my more specific worries. For me, having a routine makes occasional deviation from routine less scary. But, the past couple years, I've never gotten to baseline normal, and I think that has stripped me of a lot of confidence as well.
I did not want to talk about and start facing these fears when I don't feel like I have these tools that I think will make the job go so much smoother. I walked in there tired, drained, depressed, and discouraged.
All that said, I am so bad at speaking up about my feelings, about what I think I need, and especially when I feel like someone else is an authority figure or more knowledgeable than me, and I worry about disappointing people if I'm not able to go with their plan, but I have more confidence with E already than almost anyone else, and when E and I started talking tonight about a specific anxiety to tackle, she heard me start to articulate some of this, and I fully believe the Holy Spirit was there and told her what I was saying was important, because she got it, and took me in a different direction.
Y'all, I never thought I'd be in therapy, because I assumed it would be aggressive and scary and high pressure, but God led me to E. I sensed it months before I contacted her, I sensed it when I first contacted her, I freaked out before my first session and almost bailed, I knew I was in the right place the second I met her the first time, I have known it during every session, and when I wanted to run last week, I reminded myself of this. Tonight He showed me again, that I am in the right place. As much as I want to be better, it has to happen the right way, and E gets that. She is listening to the Holy Spirit and not rushing toward an end result, because she knows that God will give us the result if we look to Him to take the lead. I am SO thankful for her. I am thankful for her balance of educating herself about the clinical psychology aspects of treatment and the spiritual warfare and healing needed and the source of that healing.
I left tonight, not discouraged at where I am, but unburdened, because I will get better. Because God is guiding this, and E is walking through it with me. Because we are pursuing not a quick fix, but healing. I may struggle my whole life with some aspects of this illness, but it is not what God has for me to live in bondage. I am thankful for the healing I'm already finding, with a therapist who reflects the truth of my personal beauty back to me, who is more concerned with God's healing than speeding me through the process (it's different for everyone, of course!), and who gives me confidence and freedom to communicate what I need-and is listening! I felt ashamed at not being ready yet to face the fears, but now I feel
Excited because I know this groundwork is setting me up for lasting freedom, instead of band aid fixes that won't last. We are fixing the foundation issues before we try to rebuild, which just makes sense.
Thank you, Father, for your presence tonight, and for helping me recognize it. Thank you for E, for leading me to her, and the mission and calling and even ministry you've given her through her work. Please bless, renew, and encourage her heart, and bless her. Please keep opening my eyes to your work and presence in and around me, and help me make intentional and wise use of my time. Thank you for your healing and your love.