Crisis point

I need prayer, y’all. I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of feeling afraid and weak, and depressed. I have an amazing husband and children, but I can’t enjoy them nearly like I’d like. My anxiety limits me in ways I’m too ashamed to share with almost anyone. A glimpse: I panic and fret every time we go to the store. Because there are people there. I’m an extrovert that cannot be around people. I feel unimportant and forgotten and excluded from the lives of those I love most (even if unintentional) almost always. My sleep is broken and full of nightmares. I want to overcome this everyday fear and depression so I can be free. I want to overcome this because I want to overcome something bigger-I want to get my drivers license for the first time, and take my kids places. But I cannot even think about that until I overcome waking up almost every day feeling afraid and hopeless. 

Please don’t tell me medication would fix me. I’ve done that and it brings a separate set of issues that are not acceptable for me. Therapy is in consideration but I’m concerned it would be a “gets worse before it gets better” thing, and, well, I can’t afford worse. 

I am making progress, but it’s slow and the bad days are very very bad in my head, and combined with the real things that life throws at me, they are pretty dang unbearable. 

When you have a tangible challenge come up in life or a physical illness, people tend to flock to you-when your illness or pain is mental/emotional, it’s very lonely because people either feel like they can’t help or that you should just get over it. This contributes to my personal “I don’t matter” complex, which, when I’ve shared it with people, has recently gotten me the “suck it up” or “you know that’s not true” response. It’s easy to just brush it off and SAY that, but is it so hard to let someone know they matter to you personally, that they bring value to your life? I was really struggling with this pain in my heart recently to the point that I was wailing in my sleep “why doesn’t ——love me?” And without knowing that, I got a text from that person before I even woke the next Morning telling me they loved me. That text may have saved my life that day. No joke.   

Who do you know who needs that from you? You CAN help. Please don’t ever think you can’t help someone suffering from depression and anxiety. Your 30 seconds to send a text might give them the strength to go on fighting. Talking about what I’m feeling often makes me feel worse, opens wounds and makes me feel embarrassed, but just a message of love means the world. 

If you’ve read all this, thank you. ❤️

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